Probably.

I’m a fool.

Fooled twice by the same man.

I resolve to not beat myself up (too much) for being a hopeful idiot.

God, I hate being so stupid about some things.

The party for Karl went over well, lots of people, lots of booze. Met a few new people–friends of Karls and gaming people. Was a good time. Everyone seemed to like my appetizer extravaganza.

Things are going oddly with London Boy… and I’m getting the distinct feeling that he’s either too busy to bother with me, or… well, ok, that’s about it. Dunno–I know I’ve done some distancing where he’s concerned as well, so it’s probably not very fair of me to get all bent over him seeming to do the same. God, am I /that/ girl? The one who will push and push and push away, until he actually goes away and then I feel put out because he’s not chasing me?

I hate that girl. Ick. I’m too old to be that girl.

But I’ve been telling myself that I’m keeping him at arms length for a good reason–and dammit, they are good reasons.

I dunno. I’d make a poll for you all to vote on, but sheesh.

He says he’s coming here in September. Well…it’s September now, officially. We’ll see, a month from now, if he will once again have put it off, or he actually hops over.

I’ve decided what I’m doing for Halloween now, too. Got a cute scotch plaid miniskirt with huge honkin’ saftey pins (No, they don’t honk–it’s just an expression), found a really cheap black wig with red streaks… gotta get fishnets and wrip some holes in ‘em. And calf-high doc’s. Rachel, the old lady, is going as punk gal. This should be amusing. Found some fake lip rings.. Might do a nose ring too. Get some added piercings in there. ;o)

Might do the tattoo thing with as well…love her idea of a nape of the neck tattoo–think that’s hot as hell.

Anyway, the costume will come together over the next month or so. Nifty, eh?

Other than that–things are things. Wish like hell I had a F.B.(tm) to go rutt with to let off some steam/stress. Aaaeeeeeeiii.

Maybe I should get a contract like S*P’s Jason. Damned smart man, there…

To preface today’s entry, I’m going to share with you the way my mind is working this morning. Thanks to chaosrunner I have an Eminem song in my head (guess who’s back…back again), and while that wouldn’t normally bother me–hell, I like all music, and even the stuff I don’t like I can at least appreciate–the fact is I only have one part of that song looping in my brain..

…round the outside….round the outside….

So kalkail and I have now talked extensively about londonboy, and even as she was driving me home late last night/early this morning, I couldn’t really express myself about him to her. Though I think I did better, and once I thought more about it as I was walking up the sidewalk to the house, it made more sense. I’ve made myself completely unavailable emotionally, to him. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I mean–Roy represents everything in my life that is ‘a wish and a prayer’. My god, if he really feels about me the way he says he does. My god, if he really /is/ what he says he is. And after knowing him for 2+ years, I can’t answer either of those questions succinctly.

….round the outside….round the outside…

On that same thought, I’ve been asked out on a date by someone I don’t know that well, but have only chatted with infrequently. He lives in the area (points in his favor) and he seems like a together person, and all through our last conversation where he actually asked me out for coffee, the major thought that was present in my mind was, “ok…so how long will it take me to find something wrong with him?”

Am I that jaded? Cynical? A bitch?

….round the outside….round the outside…

I miss the kids. More and more. Always more and more. Always they’re with me in spirit, and I think that also hurts my ability to just date casually. No, it’s not as though I’m looking for another father for them–it’s more, I look long and hard at people and think, “is this someone I’d want to introduce to my kids?” or “is this someone who’s habits and ideals and goals and way of life I’d want to be exposed to my kids?” Yeah. So no pressure, eh?

And yet I /do/ want to date casually. I enjoy casual dating. I enjoy the look of amazement on some people’s faces when they find out I /do/ date casually. Those are mostly the people who look at me with revulsion and/or pity. I’m a non-person to a lot of people. And the worst thing about this is that some don’t even bother to hide it. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been looked through as though I didn’t exist….by people who I’ve talked to for years in some cases. Men for the most part, though women are not excluded from that pack. I can’t even explain what the look means right now. I have the beginning of an explanation, but it doesn’t make much sense…which is why I backspaced over it just now.

….round the outside….round the outside…

On a totally frivolous note, Firan is beginning to be Shit Hitting Fan city. Of the two characters I have, I’m pretty sure that one or both have a good chance of dying in the next month. War is like that. And civil war is the harshest. We’ll see though. I’m being steadily ‘recruited’ to the Shamibelian’s. I haven’t even looked at the characters yet. We’ll see. I’m interested, and at the very least, I know that for the most part, Ellish is populated with people I truly adore to RP with.

Ok. I think I’ve gone on enough. A final note: Life is only as shitty as you allow it to be. Depression is not the answer, it’s the question. Don’t be a pussy. Ask the question.

And remember I always said, and mean, that I am here for you if you need to talk. But I’m not going to chase you down.

That said. Phew. What a week. It’s not even over yet, and already..I dunno.

So I got a call early early this morning (Because that’s the only time he ever calls to chat with me, damned London people) and once more I get the “I’m leaving the country for 10 days, but as soon as I get back, I’m coming to see you.” I wonder if I hurt his feelings when I sighed and said, “Yeah.”

Tired of it, folks. Want some normal people in my life.

And this right after having a nightmare the other morning about the kids. I get them more frequently when the time between visits gets longer. Hell, the letters I get from Anna practically disable me. The part that scares me the most and that I try not to let out at every waking moment, is that everything that I do or must do has everything to do with them. Makes it hard to date casually..heh.

There is a woman I know about who lives in AZ (no, not my mother), and her life’s goal is to get married so that she can be taken care of by a man (she and her child).

I don’t want to be that woman. I don’t think I /am/ that woman. But that woman scares the piss out of me. I guess it’s mostly that I worry that the men that I do date casually (And god, it’s been a while, even, for that) think I /am/ that woman. I mean, that’s the classic single parent syndrome, isn’t it?

Anyway, this is just a rant, so no comments, lovies.

So of course, I had to read them. And some of them are…well, goopy. But I guess I’m in a goopy mood. Unfortunately, LJ doesn’t have a ‘goopy’ icon (write your senator), so I’m merely ‘contemplative’.

To spare the sane, you have to actually /want/ to read the goopy love crap, so there it is.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Grow old along with me the best is yet to be. – Robert Browning

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

If you have it [love], you don’t need to have anything else. If you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter much what else you have. – Sir James M. Barrie

The mark of a true crush Is that you fall in love first And grope for reasons afterward – Shana Alexander

Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love. – Charlie Brown

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne Dyer

What do women want? To be treated like a queen; but by a king, not a pawn. – James Robison

When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman.
Well, I found her. But, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
~Robert Schuman

I think I love that quote in particular. It seems to be the theme of my lovelife currently (Londong Boy notwithstanding). I’ve been given the feeling by most of the men I persue that I’m just not what they’re looking for–they’re looking for the complete package. Brains, Beauty, Bucks. Well, alright they’re not /all/ looking just for that, but that’s perhaps the impression that I’ve been given. And hey, that’s cool. Knowing what you want and what you don’t want is half the battle. And while I don’t consider myself to be one of the beautiful people, even to the disagreement of others, I do harbor a deep and abiding love for myself. I am incredibly smart. I do have /potential/. Maybe that’s what bothers me the most. Rejection means that they’ve found fault with me–and that perhaps they don’t see the potential that I have. Don’t know. And then I have the people who I don’t trust, can’t trust, offering their love and a promise of a future. The promise is sweet. It’s tempting. It’s completely unrealistic. Love is wonderful, and it’s a marvelous cure-all, but reality right now is a little more important to me than the possiblity of love. And if love could grow within the confines of my strictly enforced sense of reality, perhaps then I’d believe in it.

But then, I suppose love is supposed to be one of those things that you leap into before looking. Without looking at all.

I’m a mass of contradictions, and making no sense. Again. Yay!

More conversation with Roy. I’m basically at my wits end. He’s a nice guy. And if he’s serious about half the shit he spouts off, then he really cares for me a lot. I, however, have been remaining behind my nice and safe wall of apathy, because really, the last thing I want in the world is to have my head jerked around again like Mr. Mike from New Jersey. You’re still an asshole. No, I don’t want to be friends with you. And if you keep talking to my Mom like she says you are, I’ll come up there and kick your ass like the ghetto bitch I ain’t.

Head games suck ass. And he was a master of them. And the dude is older than me! What sort of idealistic world is it I’m living in, when I think that older people are supposed to have it together??

Talked with someone else the other night about the whole, “I like you as a friend” crap, too. What a crock that is. All I hear when a guy I like and want to get to know better tells me that is: Yeah, you’re nice, but you’re not up to my standards. However, I’m going to puss out and tell you that I just want to be friends so that I don’t have to actually use up one of my precious Honesty cards.

Grar. Heh. Dammit. I went from having a good post to having a psycho bitch post. Yay! It’s great to be a girl. )

So, I’ve got an interview on Thursday. No games night for me on Friday, goin’ out with my GRRRL from out of town who needs to get her ass down here more often. I hear there are hijinx and shenannigans planned for the weekend as well. Some even say…some tomfoolery. So long as I get to see Spiderman. I’ve totally been procrastinating on that.

zammis and Karl brought me a goodie from FSG! It’s this exfoliating stuff, awesome as hell. Feels like a million dollars going on, and feels like an unexpected tax refund coming off. Daaaaamn good. Many MUAs to them both.

OK. Woo. Got through most of today’s update without going into a depressed tirade. I think that deserves a cocktail.

Karl has completely redeemed himself to the Geek World, and has got our Home Network up and running. Now, my addiction to all things Firan can run rampant. And…*gasp* I will not miss another staff meeting! lol

Overall, it’s a lazy Saturday, and things are groovy.

Talked with Roy the other night (london boy), and again…more telling me that he wants to marry. It’s a grand idea, but I can’t help but hold myself back from becoming too overwhelmed by it because….he’s not here. He’s there. And he’s not even /there/ now! He called me from Belgium…his family is apparently going through one medical emergency after another, and it makes me wonder if karma is working against us. Could be.

Otherwise, life is good.

So, years ago, my mother got 20 or so bottles of this Henna hair crap…and me being the ‘I don’t care, sure, I’ll dye my hair’ sort, fell in love with the stuff. And as it’s henna, it fades after a while–but for a couple weeks you have the coolest shade of hair. Sort of a neon merlot.

This is the last bottle, on my head now. *sniffle*. And I don’t have one of those cool things you sit under when you’re 80 and it heats your head. Need to look in the pennysaver….

Anyway, so I’m sitting here, cold, with a bag on my head, and a blanket around me. And listening to sappy music. I miss the whole ‘significant other’ scene. It’s been too long since I last had someone to boss around and who I would allow on occasion to boss me around. I found E.L.’s toothbrush a cubby on my side table after cleaning my room a bit. Yes, ok…I don’t clean my room often. We broke up last Feb. My room is like a time capsule and that’s fine with me.

On a pleasanter note…I’m still digging on this band from Richmond VA–they opened for Great Big Sea at the 9:30 club. They’re called Carbon Leaf. Awesome band. A touch of celtic and maybe a little too much ‘pop’ but I don’t care. They do a great cover of Mary Mac. I’ve been telling most anyone I know with audiogalaxy to download something of theirs and then to go buy a CD. Gotta promote the new peeps.

Alright. Time to go wash this shit right outta my hair and send it on it’s way.