But then again, I might not. Die, spammers. Die. In a fire. Gently.. and hopefully you’ll be sleeping or passed out from drinking too hard that night, but still. Die.

Me: Holy shit, ok! OK! Fine! *run run run, 1/2 way there pause to think of dry things… do a variation of the walking pee-pee dance, run run run*

Me: (getting to the ladies room, running for a stall, only JUST making it)

My body: (trickle tinkle, barely any liquid coming from me) Aaaaaaahahahahaahah! FOOLED YOU!!! Ahahahahaha, you should have SEEN your face! zomg, that was the FUNNIEST THING EVAR. No.. no.. no wait.. will you do that little dance again on your way back to your desk? Aaaahahahahahaha.

Me: Asshole.

Best way to wake up, really.

http://fragbert.livejournal.com/442522.html?view=4547226#t4547226

There’s nothing non-work-safe in the entry, but he does have his journal set for adult content.

So what has happened since then to affect such a change in me? I read the following, and then thought about it for a while:

Self-confidence is a way of acting and living. It is knowing who you are, what qualities you have, what you like, need, desire etc. It is also having the competence to deal with people and situations, knowing when and how to get help and to find solutions. It is about taking care of yourself in all areas. It is something we can learn to have.

Self-esteem is – “A set of amorphous feelings about how much we like, value and approve of ourselves”.
Our self-esteem is created by what took place in our childhood within our family, community and culture and the things we have gone through as adults and how we felt about them. Our self-esteem is rooted in our feelings…which change day to day and change with our enviroment. We can go through a rough time and feel, due to guilt or the remarks of others, that we are not valued and not worth much. We then tend to ‘not like’ ourselves, lowering our self-esteem. — Paisley Goddess

“It is about taking care of yourself in all areas.”  And here is my fatal flaw.  My health is atrocious, my financial situation is worse, I don’t see my children often enough, or at all for reasons that I won’t elaborate on here, and no matter how many times I tell myself and/or others that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m lying to them and to myself.  I don’t see a light. At least not daylight — I definitely see, as the saying goes, the headlight of the oncoming train.  The stress is psyche-crushing, and that’s part of the reason I just don’t update much anymore, save for the occasional facebook meme.  There is no comforting word that can be offered, trite or heartfelt, that can peel me out of this: I’ve got to do it myself.  And I am telling you here and now.. I don’t know 100% without a doubt that I can.

“It is also having the competence to deal with people and situations, knowing when and how to get help and to find solutions.”  My mother and my closest friends know how difficult it is for me to ask for help.  Yes, a lot of it is rooted in pride and the humiliation of having to admit that I can’t accomplish something on my own.  There’s also the abject and completely irrational fear I have of the word “no”. No means you don’t like me, no means I’m not worthy, and no means so much more in my head than it likely ever means when I hear it. 

So, here’s how I see it — and correct me if you think I’ve got it wrong, please:  Self esteem is like the stock market.. it fluctuates depending upon the environment, and several other factors of day-to-day gettin’ by.  While Self confidence is more like Ben Bernanke’s speeches on the state of the Federal Reserve.  Work is blowing up now, so that’s where I’ll leave it. Comments?

I have yet to step into a Greek, Indian, or Thai restaurant since I moved back here, and I feel the yearning for some flavor and heat.  I’ll be reporting the fruits of our adventures here, for both my own memory-keeping, and to perhaps prod other local friends into expanding their culinary appreciation.  I’m very excited!

We’ve ‘decided’ that it’s likely going to be every couple of weeks, budget willing, and this past weekend we went to The Olive Garden — an Italian franchise that I haven’t tried out in approximately 9 years or so.  The food was tasty — the service was foul.  The next time any of you go, I do recommend the asiago, alfredo, and roasted garlic sauce. I had it over penne, and it was delicious.   For the locals, we went to the O.G. at Turkey Creek, and though I wouldn’t turn my nose down at going again, it wasn’t something I’d want to run back to at high speed.

I’m really looking forward to testing out the Indian restaurant (that I know of off the top of my head) in Knoxville, called Sitar.  Their website is a little cracked-out, but the menu looks promising.  Especially because Mikey has a delicate palate that’s not very appreciative of the ultra-spicy, so there seem to be a few items that wouldn’t kill him..heh.

The job is still extremely frustrating — no cost of living raises until June/July of 2009, however TVA has announced that they’re raising the cost of fuel 20% in Knoxville, and in January, our benefits will not be nearly as beneficial to our wallets, as JTV will be cutting back on how much they subsidize our health care.  Which means it’s really past-due, my looking and getting a better paying job, or a second job.  Ah well.  Such is life.  What kills me is that 20 years ago, my mother was able to pay her bills with one job, and I — at her age — can’t seem to keep up?  It’s discouraging, and I feel like a failure most of the time.  It spurs me to look harder for work, but each rejection starts to weigh more heavily.  Blah.  I know it will work out in the end, it just becomes more difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel and not mistake it for an oncoming train. ;o)

It starts off with me dating this guy… he’s an older guy, I think in this dream, he actually says (in a moment of drunken stupor/laughter) that he’s 56.  The last time I dreamt of him, I think that at the same moment, he just was bemoaning the fact that he was getting old.  Anyway, I’m digressing.

So I’m dating this guy, and everything seems to be alright. It’s not magic, bells-ringing, birds singing love, but I get the feeling that I like being with him.  Then he asks me to do something — I can’t recall what he’s asked me, and leaves.  I fail to do this thing, and when he comes back, he’s very angry.  Very angry. I see the slap coming.. it’s telegraphed as though we’re in a movie, and the room has been switched to slo-mo.  He slaps me around for a bit, and then leaves me in a living room-looking place, on the couch, nursing my wounds.  Then a beautiful woman comes into the room and sits next to me, holding my hand and empathizing with me.  She tries to make me feel better, and it’s obvious to me who sent her, but I let her.  I’m cradled in her arms when he returns, and this displeases him even more.  He takes his anger out on both of us, and we get into a car.

This is where he gets very drunk, and the beautiful lady and I take him somewhere to sleep it off.  There is another guy there, helping us, and once the drunk bastard is settled in, the three of us, pretty lady, helper, and I, go to the movies.  When we get back of course, he’s awake, and the beating is horrible enough to wake me up.  That’s the first version of the dream.. I don’t remember when I had it first, but it’s been within this year.  It doesn’t freak me out when I’m awake, but it really affects my sleeping mind pretty harshly.. effects it enough to wake me up rather than continue the dream.

So anyway, this morning, I start having this dream again.  And I recognize the place, and the older man almost right away — but it doesn’t become a lucid dream. I just know what’s going to happen, and I make no effort to wake up or change it.  Not at first.

The time comes when he asks me to do something — again, I can’t remember what it was that he asked me to do, and I don’t do it.  When he comes back, he asks me to step into the hallway to speak with me.  The slap is coming, and I know it.  When he pulls his arm back and then it starts coming toward my face, I reach forward and grab his arm and say, “I got the shit beat out of me for almost 10 years by my step father.  Do you think you fucking scare me?” And throw his arm down.  This is new–this is a change in the dream, and all of a sudden, I’m a lot more interested in stuff.  I go back into the living room, and the beautiful girl comes in on cue.  But this time she sits next to me on the couch, clearly wanting to offer me sympathy, but I don’t take it.  I pat her on the shoulder and sit beside her patiently.

The older guy gets drunk again, and again we have to have help getting him to his home.  He rolls on his bed, bemoaning the fact that he’s 56 years old, and I leave him there to go talk to the pretty lady and the guy who helped us — they’re both in the kitchen.  They suggest we go to a movie, or anywhere, and I tell them I’m not interested. I’m just going to go home, and I never expect to see any of them again.  Then I wake up.

Now, my mother just learned this past week that my step-father has finally died.  We’ve been waiting for this man to die for 20 years.  He was a horrible, evil man with some good qualities, none of them redeeming.  He made my life, and my mother’s life hell for 10 years or so, and we’re both glad that we can finally get some real, end-of-the-line closure.  This could be my brains way of rehashing a particularly bad dream I had, but giving it a new “phew, I’m over being a victim” twist.  I don’t know.  Mainly, it was interesting to me because of the obvious changes and decisions I’d made in part two.

So, as the title suggests, I’ve read quite a few books since my last reviews, and I’ll have to dig around and find out which ones now — and I’ll start keeping an offline notebook to keep track of such things in the future, just in case.

As some of you may know, there has been a lot of wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth down here in Knoxville, where JTV is concerned.  There were layoffs, the call center is supposedly safe, but a lot of people are still jumping ship just to be safe.  For myself, I’ve been going on a lot more interviews lately, most recently to Scripps Howard Networks.  Really really hoping for a callback on that front, but it’s hard for me to unbiasedly read how well I did or didn’t do at an interview because they make me so damned nervous, I usually think I tanked.  Thanks to all who crossed fingers and toes for my interview last week.. keep ‘em crossed, if you would!

The internet is pretty locked down at work too, so it’s mostly Fox News and CNN and the Knoxville News Sentinel that I read from day to day, but there is a blog I’ve got access to that I really have fallen for, called The Barefoot Kitchen Witch, written by Jayne who has the wonderful good fortune to live in Rhode Island (my second tour of that awesome state ended in 1999, sadly).  Her posts on cooking and baking are heavily interspersed with photographs that she’s taken during most if not all steps of the meal’s progress, and she’s also very amusing. Try to contain your jealousy of her family though — I know it’s hard, because they have one of the most amazing women I’ve ever encountered for a mom/wife.

Michelle is coming up for a visit this coming week, and I’m super excited.  I won’t be getting the days off I need though, and though that’s frustrating, it’s just one of those parts of life one deals with.  The time I have with her will be worth the hassle of a job I haven’t yet escaped from.

Will attempt to update again soon, we’ll see how that goes!

I’ll have to look at it again tomorrow with a fresh eye, because right now, I just want to bang my head against things and yell a lot.